Published in 2013 by Allen & Unwin, The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is one of my all time favourite reads and had a profound impact on my life. Drawing deeply from Alfred Adler’s individual psychology, this book reframes the way we think about success, happiness, and the need for approval.
Presented as a Socratic-style dialogue between a curious youth and a seasoned philosopher, it invites readers into a brave re-examination of their beliefs. For those who feel pressured to meet others’ expectations or find themselves stuck in cycles of self-doubt despite outward success, this book presents a radical perspective: you can change your life at any moment. You don’t need permission.
About the Authors: Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
Ichiro Kishimi is a Japanese philosopher and Adlerian psychologist. With a background in Greek philosophy and psychotherapy, his interpretations of Adler’s work are known for making difficult ideas feel human and actionable.
Fumitake Koga is a professional writer and journalist. He brings an engaging structure to philosophical conversations, making abstract ideas approachable and emotionally resonant. Together, their collaboration bridges East and West, theory and application.
Summary of The Courage to Be Disliked
Here’s a breakdown of the core topics this book covers:
- The Separation of Tasks – Learning not to interfere with or carry emotional responsibility for others’ lives.
- Freedom and Belonging – Exploring the tension between being accepted and being true to yourself.
- The Role of Inferiority – Seeing inferiority not as a flaw but as a starting point for growth.
- Trauma Isn’t Destiny – Challenging the idea that past wounds must define your future.
- Life Is a Series of Choices – Understanding how our interpretations shape reality.
- The Courage to Be Happy – Arguing that happiness is a decision, not an outcome.
- Living in the Present – Letting go of outcomes and focusing on contribution, not comparison.
The book is structured over five conversations, building in intensity and clarity as each concept unfolds.
Key Concepts and Strategies
One of the most provocative ideas is that we suffer not from our past experiences, but from the meanings we assign to them. The philosopher insists: “You are not controlled by your past; you choose your current life.” For anyone who has felt trapped by their upbringing or early experiences, this can be both unsettling and liberating.
Another powerful strategy is the concept of “task separation.” Imagine how much emotional energy is spent trying to fix, please, or control others. This concept invites us to step back and ask: “Whose task is this really?” When you focus only on your own tasks, your thoughts, your actions, you reclaim autonomy and avoid unnecessary emotional entanglements.
Adler’s lens isn’t about self-esteem boosts. It’s about accountability without blame, freedom without loneliness, and contribution over comparison.
Practical Applications
This book isn’t just theory. The philosophy can be used day to day:
- In meetings: If a colleague dismisses your ideas, you can choose not to internalise their reaction. That’s their task.
- In parenting or leadership: You provide support and structure, but the responsibility for learning or growth lies with the individual.
- In self-worth: Confidence doesn’t come from external validation. It grows when you act in alignment with your values, even if that means disappointing others.
For high performing professionals who often feel pressure to be everything to everyone, these insights offer a path to sustained joy and internal stability.
Powerful Quotes from The Courage to Be Disliked
“You are not the past. You are the person you choose to be now.”
“Freedom is being disliked by other people.”
“All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.”
“You can be happy now. Because happiness is the feeling of contribution.”
Personal Insights from the Authors
Throughout the book, the philosopher references his own life choices from his decision to live modestly to prioritising contribution over achievement. The youth challenges him sharply, representing the inner voice many readers have i.e. sceptical, defensive, hopeful. This dynamic makes the ideas feel grounded and relatable.
Rather than preaching, the philosopher models calm conviction. His consistency through the youth’s emotional swings is a subtle demonstration of emotional regulation, an essential high performance skill.
Conclusion
The Courage to Be Disliked is not your usual personal development read. It won’t offer productivity hacks or a morning routine checklist. Instead, it challenges you to confront the psychological traps that keep you tied to others’ approval.
Its blend of philosophy, psychology, and practicality makes it especially valuable for those who have achieved outward success but feel inwardly unsatisfied. It’s a gentle but firm invitation to take full ownership of your life, and in doing so, find a sense of joy and confidence not dependent on anyone else.
For anyone ready to shift from “What do they think of me?” to “Am I showing up authentically?”, this book may just be the mindset catalyst you didn’t know you needed.