I’ve had moments in my life where I genuinely believed I was doing the right thing, being supportive, helpful, “empowering.” But looking back, some of those moments had outcomes that told a completely different story. My intentions might’ve been golden, but the impact? Not so much.
If you’ve ever said, “But I didn’t mean it like that,” or “That wasn’t my intention,” keep reading.
The Disconnect That No One Talks About
Let’s say you’re mentoring a colleague. You give her feedback, maybe a little too bluntly, and she leaves the call quieter than usual. You shrug it off, after all, you were just being honest. That’s what good leaders do, right?
But if she felt diminished, dismissed, or even embarrassed, that’s the impact. It doesn’t matter that your heart was in the right place.
And here’s where it gets real: when we lead, when we parent, when we communicate, our intentions do not automatically excuse our impact.
This is something I’ve seen come up time and again in my own experience and for my coaching clients. They’re often balancing the double burden of not just being excellent, but also being understood. It’s exhausting. And what tends to hurt most? Not the overt criticism, but the well-meaning actions that land wrong.
Why We Cling to Intention
It’s human. We want to be seen as good. We need to believe we’re doing our best. There’s comfort in thinking, “They misunderstood me,” because that shifts the responsibility away.
But leadership, especially self-leadership, asks more of us. It invites us to sit with the discomfort and ask a different question:
“Regardless of what I meant… how was that received?”
That’s a courageous question. It shifts us from being passive participants in our relationships to active stewards of trust.
What High Performers Do Differently
One of the fundamental habits we delve into in Certified High Performance Coaching™ is influence. But influence isn’t manipulation. It’s the ability to inspire others to believe in themselves and to take action, not because we said so, but because they feel seen, heard, and supported.
High performers pause and check:
- Did what I just said uplift or diminish?
- Did I invite clarity or cause confusion?
- Was I open to feedback about my impact?
High Performers aren’t chasing perfection. They’re building self-awareness and responsibility. They’re willing to be wrong. That’s what makes them magnetic.
Lessons From My Own Wake-Up Call
Many of you know my story. At 29, sitting in a chair with sleeping pills in one hand and water in the other, I hit a point where nothing made sense. Everyone around me thought I was “doing well.” On the outside, I ticked the boxes: career, family, success.
But I felt hollow. People kept saying things like, “You’re so strong” or “You’ve got this.” I don’t doubt they meant well. But those words made me feel more alone. Because their intent to encourage didn’t match the impact, I felt unseen, invisible even.
It wasn’t until someone asked, “How are you really?” and then shut up and listened, that I cracked open. That was impact.
That was care in action.
From Good Intentions to Powerful Presence
So how do we shift?
1. Pause Before You Explain
Instead of leading with “I didn’t mean to…” try “Tell me how that landed for you.” It’s hard. Your ego might protest. But it creates safety.
2. Own the Impact, Not Just the Effort
It’s easy to get defensive. Try this instead: “Thanks for telling me. I can see how that came across. Let me try again.” That one sentence rebuilds bridges.
3. Make Listening a Leadership Skill
You don’t need to fix. You don’t need to offer a TED Talk. Just be present. As Martha Beck teaches, being a coach isn’t about shining the light, it’s about becoming the window. Let the person see themselves clearly, through your stillness.
4. Use the Mirror, Not the Megaphone
Sometimes we’re so focused on being heard that we forget to reflect. Ask yourself: “If someone spoke to me that way, how would I feel?” If the answer is “dismissed,” “corrected,” or “small,” rework your words.
Real-Life Impact Check: A Tool You Can Use Today
Here’s a quick, practical exercise I give to my clients:
- Think of a recent conversation where things felt “off.”
- Write down what you meant to convey.
- Then, write down what you think the other person might’ve felt.
- Lastly, ask yourself: “What’s one thing I could have done differently to align my intent with my impact?”
Do this regularly and you’ll start to notice the emotional intelligence muscle growing stronger. Over time, this becomes intuitive.
The Gift of Doing the Inner Work
Look, I’ve sat in boardrooms where I was the only woman. I’ve led teams where I was both admired and misunderstood. And I’ve coached brilliant women who kept dimming their light for the sake of not “rocking the boat.”
Intent matters. But impact is what defines our legacy. It’s how people remember us. And if we want to be remembered as empowering, uplifting, and transformative, then we have to get honest about what we’re putting into the world.
The good news? We don’t need to be perfect. We just need to be open. Curious. Willing.
Because when we lead from a place of conscious impact, we don’t just change outcomes. We change lives.
Your SPARK Isn’t Just Yours
You don’t have to get it right every time. I sure haven’t.
But every time you pause to consider how your words or actions land… you fan someone’s flame.
And that’s the work. That’s the real work.
Remember, you can unleash your version of success. And that version is most powerful when it leaves people better than you found them.
Your Coach
Stephanie
Ready to Ignite Your SPARK?
As a Certified High Performance, Wayfinder and Imposter Syndrome Informed Coach, I’m here to support you on this transformative journey. Whether it’s in your career, health, or relationships, my coaching programs are designed to help you achieve heightened and sustained levels of performance and potential. Are you ready to embrace these inner shifts then let’s embark on this journey together!
Whenever you’re ready, here are a few ways I can support you:
Join our IYS Community – to connect with like-minded individuals focused on increasing their ENGAGEMENT, CONFIDENCE & JOY in work (and life)
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Take the High Performance Questionnaire – to understand if you’re ready to go to the next level and live a life full of engagement, joy and confidence…
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