One of my mentors, Mack Newton says, “The life you’re currently living is the result of your self-concept.”
Whoa! To be honest, I found that a little confronting at the time cause all I could think was, ‘so it’s all my fault?!?’ But what he was really trying to say (which I understand now!) is that your thoughts (beliefs) lead to your feelings, which lead to your behaviours, which lead to your results.
For example, if you believe you can’t earn a good living, you won’t. If you believe that others don’t like you, your social life will be unsatisfying.
Your self-concept serves as a self-imposed barrier. So, it’s necessary to eliminate the barrier if you wish to venture beyond it!
You can be limited by your beliefs regarding your past, your current situation, your potential future, and your habits (behaviours). Fortunately, these manageable challenges can be overcome with effort, persistence and perhaps a little coaching 😉
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe,
deserve your unlimited love and affection” ~Buddha
Over the next several weeks, I will share various strategies that you can use to “experiment” with to assist in your self-concept makeover. This week we will delve into the past…
Reevaluating the Past
It’s been my experience that everyone carries around a past with negative experiences. Some of these experiences may have been our own fault, while others were definitely not.
What’s most relevant is how the experiences of the past are interpreted.
As human beings we are “meaning makers”, so it’s challenging not to assign meaning to these experiences. But, is the meaning that’s been assigned accurate? More importantly, is it useful?
There are several signs that you’re not using your past constructively:
- You continue making the same mistakes. The past should be useful. From the past, we learn what works and what doesn’t, provided the experience is interpreted correctly.
- You ignore your past. Easy to do, but it can have negative consequences. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Healing heals all wounds. If there’s something in your past you feel the desire to forget, it’s possible it’s hurting you in the present.
- You’ve adopted negative attitudes, beliefs, or behavioural characteristics from your parents. Do you have the same short temper your father had? Do you lie excessively like your mother did? Do you mistrust “rich” people? Dislike anyone who’s of a different political affiliation? Beliefs and attitudes that you didn’t choose for yourself can be damaging to your self-image.
- A single negative experience is affecting your belief system today. These experiences are most likely to occur in childhood but aren’t limited to our early years.
For example, perhaps you didn’t do well in art class in 4th grade…. (hmm that sounds familiar 🤣)
You may have drawn the conclusion that:
- You have no artistic ability.
- Your art teacher didn’t like you.
- Your art teacher wasn’t a good teacher.
- You’re not a good person because you’re not good at creating art.
- You lack any creative ability.
- You’re not good at learning new skills.
- You’re not very smart.
- You’re not a well-rounded person.
And it can snowball from there. Suppose one of your classmates made fun of your drawing in art class.
- I’m not good enough.
- People don’t like me.
- I shouldn’t let anyone see something as personal as my artwork in the future.
- I will avoid exposing myself to any criticism in the future by being very reserved and cautious.
It’s easy to see how negative and erroneous beliefs can develop from negative experiences. These beliefs can be extremely limiting and influence every part of your life.
“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.
You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” ~Lucille Ball
So, how can you determine if your past negatively affects your self-concept?
- Make a list of your beliefs about yourself. Focus on negative beliefs and any limitations. Include all areas of your life where you feel limited or dissatisfied. A few examples include: “I’m not good with money.”, “No one will hire me.”, “I’ll never have a good relationship.”, “I can’t lose weight.”, “I don’t have any self-control.”
- Question the belief. Most of your beliefs aren’t justified if you examine them closely. This is an important step. Where did this belief come from? Is the source credible? Is it based on sufficient evidence? One experience usually isn’t enough. Touching a hot stove is sufficient experience to draw a valid conclusion. One failed attempt at dating or starting a business is not. Ask yourself, “Is the belief reasonable?”
- Determine what the belief is costing you. Inaccurate beliefs can cause a lot of damage. What are the beliefs you hold about yourself costing you? e.g. a lack of confidence, lower income, fewer friends or a dissatisfying social life, the belief that your options are limited to change your life, overall dissatisfaction with yourself or your life…
- Choose an alternate belief. Choose a belief that better suits reality and supports a healthy self-image like, “No one likes me” can become “I am able to make friends easily”.
- Find evidence. Staying with the previous example, even if you’re friend-free at the moment, you can recall previous friendships. Remember a time in your life when your social life was more active. It’s only logical to believe that if you can make a couple of friends, you can also create numerous friendships. Work on convincing yourself that your new belief is possible.
It’s common to be limited by the past. We often fail to consider that many of our beliefs about ourselves are based on faulty evidence. At one point, you didn’t walk or read well. Does that mean that you can’t do either well today? The human brain feels the need to assign meaning to everything that happens. Sometimes that meaning is incorrect. Sometimes there is no meaning at all.
“If only you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet;
how important you can be to people you may never even dream of.
There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.” ~Fred Rogers
Stay tuned for the following article on “Build Your Self-Esteem”.
If this has been useful for you, I’d love you to share it with your friends or anyone else you think may find it useful.
Remember, you can unleash your unique version of success!
I have had (and still do have) so many people supporting me on my journey of self-development, I’d love to help you on yours. Whenever you’re ready, here are a few ways I can support you:
Join our IYS Community – to connect with like-minded individuals focused on increasing their ENGAGEMENT, CONFIDENCE & JOY in work (and life)
Access your FREE Online Training – and learn how you can immediately hit higher levels of performance and potential in all you do!
Take the High Performance Questionnaire – to understand if you’re ready to go to the next level and live a life full of engagement, joy and confidence…
Book a Chat – so we can breakthrough what you’re currently challenged with and take the next action towards living the life of your dreams!
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