Since we were kids, most of us learned that it could be advantageous to make others happy. Most children want the approval of their parents, teachers, and peers. For some of us, we tend to carry that same tendency into adulthood. While it’s natural to seek the approval of others, sometimes it might not be for the best.
Living a high performing life feeling ongoing engagement, confidence and joy includes the ability to move freely through the world without excessive concern about the opinions of others. Think about the people you respect the most. Do they allow the opinions of others to dictate their decisions?
Here are some strategies to experiment with to free yourself from needing the approval of others.
Learn to say what you think. If you’re concerned about the opinions of others, you’ve probably developed a habit of keeping your opinion to yourself. Try by starting to give your opinion on smaller issues. For example, if you’re asked what movie you’d like to see, give a specific answer. As your comfort level improves, you can experiment with speaking up about more important issues.
Take the time to appreciate yourself. Keep a few minutes each day to remind yourself of all the things you like about yourself. I find thinking about all the good things I did during the day right before I go to sleep can be a positive way to end the day. If you can approve of yourself, you’ll be less likely to need approval from others.
Remind yourself that it’s impossible to make everyone happy. There are a wide variety of people in the world. So no matter what you do, there will always be someone who doesn’t like you. Interestingly, those that try to please everyone tend to be less respected. As people usually admire confident people, and confident people know who they are and the direction they are headed.
Value progress over perfection. There’s more grey area than you may think. Many people that desperately seek the approval of others believe that perfection is the only thing that pleases others. But you’re not going to be condemned (or considered a saint) for everyday words and actions. Even the best people occasionally do or say things that others would consider to be negative. Most people understand that no one is perfect all of the time and generally most people are trying to do their best. When we judge others harshly over minor issues, we expect the same judgement in return. By focusing on progress we are more accepting of where others, and more importantly ourselves, are at.
Avoid reacting to disapproval in a way that encourages the other person. Many people use disapproval as a way to control others. When you apologise unnecessarily or change your opinion in reaction to disapproval, you might be simply rewarding that other person. If you feel that another person is being unreasonable, consider confronting them in a calm, reasonable manner. You’ll likely find that the criticiser’s tendency to disapprove will stop when it fails to affect your choices.
Before taking an action, ask yourself if you’re primarily doing it to receive approval. Try to eliminate activities and choices from your life that are driven by the need to have others think highly of you. Do a few things each week (each day if you can!) that you enjoy, even if they’re not going to impress anyone other than yourself, as with any type of practice it gets easier with time and repetition.
As human beings it is natural we seek the approval of others from time to time as our need to belong is strong. But allowing that need to control your thoughts and behaviour makes life less enjoyable and more challenging. The first step to changing approval-seeking thoughts and behaviour is recognising them as they occur. With a little work, you’ll find that the disapproval you’ve been avoiding has much less impact than you originally thought. It’s simply not a big deal. Free yourself from needing the approval of others, you’ll be glad you did – I know I was!
If this has been useful for you, I’d love for you to share it with your friends or anyone else you think may find it useful.
Remember, you can unleash your unique version of success!
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